Of sex and cultural ramifications
"So how many Korean women have you had sex with?" screamed a question from a friend I recently met. She quickly followed it up with a disclaimer that, I would probably find the question tasteless. Although I agreed then that I found it tasteless, and despite its abrupt nature, the question got me thinking. Not that she was the first person to ask me that, I had received many inquiries in that area from male and female friends alike.
In fact when it was confirmed that I would be reading for my masters in South Korea and when the news had circulated in the office, many friends who came to convey their best wishes, would invariably slip in the sex topic in the conversation. The views ranged from specific instructions ordering me to come back with lurid tales of my romps with Korean women, to explicit (sometimes homophobic) warnings that never should I think of indulging in any sexual activities with any foreigners. It has now been almost seven months since I swapped the simplicity of Ndola with the complexity of Seoul and yet I can report that Jesus' words that "man shall not live on bread alone" are equally true when applied to sex. Man shall not live on sex alone!
Back to the question, it asks "how many" and not "whether I have". Embedded in it is a supposition or an assumption that the question of whether when it comes to a normal guy does not exist. After all statistics have shown that 'normal' humans think about sex more times than they think about other things. And if truth be told, its a fair supposition, flawed as it is in this case. I know for example that in my country, a man is a sexual being. His prowess has for a long time been measured by how many girlfriends he can string together. It is probably one of the reasons why the HIV/AIDS prevalence rate is so high in that part of the world. But I digress, this is not an AIDS discussion.
When considering a logical and intellectual answer to the follow up question, the "why" aspect, it becomes apparent that Korean culture remains highly exclusive and difficult to penetrate. As I mentioned, I am clocking my seventh month, yet I do not know any Korean I could seriously regard as "my friend". The school has tried its part by pairing us through the "buddy programme". And indeed people have gone out and visited places with their buddies and sometimes been invited to buddy homes. Yet these acquaintances remain devoid of the spontaneity that binds genuine friendships. They have the uncomfortable feeling of duty and fulfilling a fixture about them. That said, a few (very few) have blossomed into, to all appearances genuine friendships and deserve encouragement from all. Meanwhile many of us, have to content ourselves with the usual extremely casual and sometimes annoying interest in our hair and on some rare occasions countries.
Before I am misunderstood, I do not in any way blame the Koreans for this indifference (if I may call it that) to foreigners. There are huge barriers to seamless interactions and I would submit that language is the biggest of them all. Koreans are vehemently proud of their heritage and language. You only have to be there when they talk about the invention of Hangul by King Sejong the Great, to realise the depth and width of their pride. And there is nothing wrong with that. It is just that with the increasing role they are playing not only in Asian but world affairs as well, they will need to open themselves to the even greater opportunities that learning an international language avails. Obviously this is a gradual process and there is evidence that Koreans understand this, but until such a point that international language is significantly embraced, these gaps will always exist.
That said, being here has also taught me that integration is more than merely putting people in the same room or letting them wear the same clothes. It goes deeper than that and when it comes to different ethnicity, has more bearing on our background than anything else. None more so was this in greater evidence than in the recent Song and Dance Fesitval in which I had the misfortune of participating. The groups were all aligned according to region and ethnicity. You had the Indonesians, the Chinese, the Koreans and the Africans all having their own groups and acts. Even the one group that tried to incorporate everyone was still not representative enough. Not that anyone cared at the time, judging by the frenzied noise and dancing, but it does show albeit on a limited scale the very real difficulties in achieving integration be it racial, social or cultural.
So what do we say then. Do we fold our arms and with an annoying smirk on our face shrug our shoulders and say "it is difficult" and quit trying? The answer is a resounding "No". It simply means we ought to take cognizance of the enormity of the challenges that bedevil us and give them proper attention and the requisite patience. It is hard to unlearn character traits developed over years of social conditioning. We need to let go of the stereotypical reasoning that has poisoned our minds for so long, we need concerted effort. From the integrator to the integratee (if there were ever such terms).
In the words of Austin Powers.
And so back to my friend who asked me that very interesting question and to all that may have the same line of curiosity. Sexual activity is more than simply a biological and physiological union to this writer. And even if it wasn't it is difficult to have it with a Korean. You need to move into their circle of trust first. A question like that has me thinking of the whole cultural set-up not just a number even when in this instance, there are no numbers to report. Man shall not live on sex alone but on every book that he reads. Godspeed.
In fact when it was confirmed that I would be reading for my masters in South Korea and when the news had circulated in the office, many friends who came to convey their best wishes, would invariably slip in the sex topic in the conversation. The views ranged from specific instructions ordering me to come back with lurid tales of my romps with Korean women, to explicit (sometimes homophobic) warnings that never should I think of indulging in any sexual activities with any foreigners. It has now been almost seven months since I swapped the simplicity of Ndola with the complexity of Seoul and yet I can report that Jesus' words that "man shall not live on bread alone" are equally true when applied to sex. Man shall not live on sex alone!
Back to the question, it asks "how many" and not "whether I have". Embedded in it is a supposition or an assumption that the question of whether when it comes to a normal guy does not exist. After all statistics have shown that 'normal' humans think about sex more times than they think about other things. And if truth be told, its a fair supposition, flawed as it is in this case. I know for example that in my country, a man is a sexual being. His prowess has for a long time been measured by how many girlfriends he can string together. It is probably one of the reasons why the HIV/AIDS prevalence rate is so high in that part of the world. But I digress, this is not an AIDS discussion.
When considering a logical and intellectual answer to the follow up question, the "why" aspect, it becomes apparent that Korean culture remains highly exclusive and difficult to penetrate. As I mentioned, I am clocking my seventh month, yet I do not know any Korean I could seriously regard as "my friend". The school has tried its part by pairing us through the "buddy programme". And indeed people have gone out and visited places with their buddies and sometimes been invited to buddy homes. Yet these acquaintances remain devoid of the spontaneity that binds genuine friendships. They have the uncomfortable feeling of duty and fulfilling a fixture about them. That said, a few (very few) have blossomed into, to all appearances genuine friendships and deserve encouragement from all. Meanwhile many of us, have to content ourselves with the usual extremely casual and sometimes annoying interest in our hair and on some rare occasions countries.
Before I am misunderstood, I do not in any way blame the Koreans for this indifference (if I may call it that) to foreigners. There are huge barriers to seamless interactions and I would submit that language is the biggest of them all. Koreans are vehemently proud of their heritage and language. You only have to be there when they talk about the invention of Hangul by King Sejong the Great, to realise the depth and width of their pride. And there is nothing wrong with that. It is just that with the increasing role they are playing not only in Asian but world affairs as well, they will need to open themselves to the even greater opportunities that learning an international language avails. Obviously this is a gradual process and there is evidence that Koreans understand this, but until such a point that international language is significantly embraced, these gaps will always exist.
That said, being here has also taught me that integration is more than merely putting people in the same room or letting them wear the same clothes. It goes deeper than that and when it comes to different ethnicity, has more bearing on our background than anything else. None more so was this in greater evidence than in the recent Song and Dance Fesitval in which I had the misfortune of participating. The groups were all aligned according to region and ethnicity. You had the Indonesians, the Chinese, the Koreans and the Africans all having their own groups and acts. Even the one group that tried to incorporate everyone was still not representative enough. Not that anyone cared at the time, judging by the frenzied noise and dancing, but it does show albeit on a limited scale the very real difficulties in achieving integration be it racial, social or cultural.
So what do we say then. Do we fold our arms and with an annoying smirk on our face shrug our shoulders and say "it is difficult" and quit trying? The answer is a resounding "No". It simply means we ought to take cognizance of the enormity of the challenges that bedevil us and give them proper attention and the requisite patience. It is hard to unlearn character traits developed over years of social conditioning. We need to let go of the stereotypical reasoning that has poisoned our minds for so long, we need concerted effort. From the integrator to the integratee (if there were ever such terms).
And so back to my friend who asked me that very interesting question and to all that may have the same line of curiosity. Sexual activity is more than simply a biological and physiological union to this writer. And even if it wasn't it is difficult to have it with a Korean. You need to move into their circle of trust first. A question like that has me thinking of the whole cultural set-up not just a number even when in this instance, there are no numbers to report. Man shall not live on sex alone but on every book that he reads. Godspeed.
well said
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